After a difficult period a few years ago, I was determined for some good to come of it. I wanted to help others. Help others feel less alone, and help them find their footing and get the right support; demonstrate that recovery and a normal life is not only possible but should be expected.

I wasn't sure in what form this help would take. Whether I would change my career direction and look to take a role directly supporting those experiencing mental health difficulties one-to-one or whether I could do something alongside my current work.

As mentioned in my first post, writing about my experience in the form of personal journals has become part of my life over the last few years. Initially I was doing this for my own reflection and understanding. Then, more recently I've started to write articles to share my experiences in the form of guest blogs for other sites. But, I haven't published them directly, or in a way that is attributed back to me. 

For most of this time, my life itself was stable and outwardly unremarkable. However, I've come to realise that sharing my story could be hugely powerful. To help those currently struggling with their mental health but also to raise awareness - particularly of mental health difficulties among men. There just aren't many guys talking about this stuff. By being open myself it may encourage others to speak up if they're struggling - to a mate, family member or reach out to a helpline or healthcare practitioner.

By not coming forward and sharing my story I’ve been delaying the promise I made to myself. So, now two and a half years on from my last episode and 20 years since my original diagnosis, why haven't I put myself out there?

Put simply, fear has played a bigger role than I wanted to admit. And it comes down to good old fashioned mental health stigma. My concern, deep down, is that coming forward about my mental health history that this might change how others see me, think of me or treat me.

My biggest concern has been whether openness might quietly limit opportunities. That if I look to change jobs and a potential employer searches for me online and finds out my history, that I could be discounted from the role without further consideration. All just because I've a mental health diagnosis - even though I manage my mental health well and it doesn’t limit my professional capability. And I don't think these are completely unfounded fears. Connie at the Mary Frances Trust, who has been hugely encouraging to me on this journey and provided a thoughtful and balanced reminder that openness does carry risks — but also clarity about whose opinions truly matter.

This statement resonates so much with me and it encapsulates exactly how I've been feeling in recent weeks about going public with this site.  I too, have toyed with the idea of publishing it under a pseudonym, but just like Louise I feel strongly that it's my story and for me to tell it authentically I must do it as myself.

Whilst these concerns may have been true 20 years ago I believe that good mental health is no longer seen as an issue for a minority group but has become far more mainstream in recent years. This shift is reflected in growing evidence that workplaces play a significant role in mental health. This has just been illustrated by The Surgeon General in the US which has recently released a report discussing how “Our workplaces play a significant role in our lives”.

It includes these three interesting data points:

1. 76% of U.S. workers reported at least one symptom of a mental health condition.
2. 84% of respondents said their workplace conditions had contributed to at least one mental health challenge.
3. 81% of workers reported that they will be looking for workplaces that support mental health in the future

These figures suggest that mental health experiences are far more common than many of us assume. The final point is particularly important; that four out of every five US employees consider their mental health to be of such importance that they specifically look for workplaces that are supportive of their mental health needs; these are workers who actively seek out environments that support their wellbeing. When 81% of the working population demand this, employers need to listen and appreciate the value a neurodiverse workforce can bring.

The report continues with:

I hope, therefore, that my fears turn out to be false. 

The irony for me is that since July 2021 I've been part of the 'End Stigma Surrey' mental health campaign as a Lived Experience Champion. Yes, I want to end stigma that's associated with mental health, but it seems the first person I need to convince, and teach to live and breathe that motto, is me! Much of what’s held me back has been internal rather than external - and, just like all stigma - it's based on ignorance and fear rather than fact. I've no idea whether my fears of being open about my mental health will negatively affect how others perceive me, or whether it would affect opportunities available to me in the future. Much of this has been uncertainty rather than evidence.

In actual fact, it's quite possible that the opposite could be true. That by being open about my mental health it shows that I have insight and knowledge about my condition, that I'm able to manage and control it and that I've developed great strength to be able to talk about something very personal with confidence and face my fears. Further, by opening up publicly about my condition, it may also open conversations and connections I wouldn’t otherwise have had. It may encourage other people to reach out - others that may also be campaigning around mental health, others who may be on a recovery journey, or who may be specifically looking for someone with the qualities and values that I now live by and am starting to share.

The following diagram by Jeremy Finch succinctly sums up the problem of being to scared too share and how it is a detriment to society. It shows how there is a large pool of people who have inspirational stories in all aspects of life but sadly don't have the confidence to come forward. For a long time, I recognised myself in that group.

​The diagram is showing that almost 100% of the people who want to be heard are pulling that off. Some of those are annoying and saying the wrong things, sure. But the way to deal with that is not to get angry but to enter the area. It's time to turn envy, disappointment, and sometimes outrage into better work.

So, the time has come to honour the promise I made to myself back in July 2020. I must overcome my self-stigma, open up to the opportunities that may arise by telling my story and ultimately to make sure some good comes from a journey that’s unfolded over the last 20 years.

And as we enter 'Movember', the annual moustache themed campaign to get men talking and address some of the major reasons men are dying too young - and to coincide with the Mary Frances Trust's 'Men's Wellbeing Matters' campaign - now seems like the perfect time.

I’ve always been a fairly private person. Check out my socials and you'll find I've hardly posted anything over the last few years. Despite that, I'll often spend 15 minutes a day scrolling through updates from others. No holiday snaps, no birthdays, no casual musings; I’ve mostly kept a low profile. When I first started using Facebook, like many back then, I did take the time to post an occasional update, but have gotten out of the habit of it in recent years. It's partly laziness, but also partly that I fully realise that anything you put out on the internet tends to stick around.

However, for some time now, I've been thinking about being more open. More open because I've got a story that I think others need to hear. A story that might inspire hope, challenge assumptions, and help others feel less alone.

So, what is this story? Well, that's something I'll start to tell in more detail over coming weeks and months. At the centre of it is my experience of being diagnosed with bipolar in my late teens, and what I’ve learned over time about stability, self-understanding, and learning to live well. It’s had an impact not just on me, but on those close to me. I'll also be sharing how it's impacted my life, changed the way I live and how I feel about my place in the world.

Among the many things I have learned on this journey is that by opening up and talking about the condition, it's helped not only me in making sense of my experience, but has helped the others that I have confided in. Whether that's in understanding some of my behaviour during periods when I wasn’t well, or created common ground to allow those individuals to open up about their challenges in their own lives.

Writing in particular has been a powerful tool for me. I started writing about 3 years ago. It was suggested to me during a particularly stressful period. And it worked. I’ve found writing incredibly grounding and I really enjoy the process of getting my thoughts in order. I also find it to be a creative outlet - something I think everyone needs. We live in a society of art and media consumption, more now than ever before, but every now and again I find I can consume no more and I need to let things out - to express and let go of thoughts that need somewhere to go. I wish I was a musician and that I could do this in the form of song, as that to me epitomises the expression of how one is feeling and a means of literally releasing the energy from within. I did learn piano as a kid; but not played for years; and believe me you don't want to hear me sing! So for now, my outlet will be my writing. Up until now, my writing has always been strictly for myself and I now have many thousands of words tucked away that where written purely for my own reflection.

Some of what will appear on this blog will be taken from my journals, but a lot of it will be new, particularly as I document the process of opening up and sharing my experiences and reflections more openly and responding to how these are received.

In my next few posts, I'll explain more about why now is the time, why this is something that has taken a lot of soul searching and ultimately, why this feels like the right time.

Well, I had to start somewhere. This is my first blog post. Hello world!