Better days will come

For this pride month I wanted to reflect on why I believe celebrating people in our LGBTQ+ community is important. It comes down to this. 

- Don't do what I did.

- Don't bottle it up inside for 14 years.

- Don't wait until you're 25.
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- And absolutely - don't force you and your family to have to deal with it on Christmas Day whilst being detained in the secure wing of a psychiatric ward under the Mental Health Act with two nurses constantly guarding you around the clock for your own protection. 

There has to be a better way. And I swear my life would have turned out a whole lot differently if I'd found it.

And that is why, every year people from the LGBT+ come together to celebrate being proud of who they are. To show that no matter what - we are loved and we are worthy of love. And just because we might love someone of the same gender, or maybe we feel we were born in to the wrong body - it's OK. We are all important and we all matter just as much. It's about love, it's about feelings, it's about emotion and most of all it's about allowing ourselves to feel and be happy with who we are.
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But it's so much more than this. The consequences of not doing this - of not displaying these open values of love and acceptance are terrifying.

LGBTQ+ young people are more than four times as likely to attempt suicide than their peers
  -- Source: The Trevor Project

But it doesn't have to be this way.

LGBTQ+ young people are not inherently prone to suicide risk because of their sexual orientation or gender identity but rather placed at higher risk because of how they are mistreated and stigmatized in society.
  -- Source: The Trevor Project

And that is the real message behind Pride and why so many companies, colleges and universities get behind the campaign every year. It's the lighter way to present what is ultimately anti-stigma, anti-bullying, suicide prevention campaign.

These messages didn't get out there when I was growing up. I knew I was gay at the age of 11, when I started at an all boys high school in 1995. Well, I say I knew I was gay - looking back now I realise I was gay at that age but my young head was simply unable to make sense of the feelings and emotions I was experiencing at the time. I knew I was different, but I didn't know why; that there were others who felt like it too, or that it was OK to be that way. Anyway, thanks to the bullies I didn't spend too much time dwelling on the actual meaning of gay - as it was a term they threw around to describe anything or anyone they didn't like. If I'd made that association at the time, then that would have almost certainly doomed my high school future to 7 years of hell.

So, how did I know when I was 11? When I look back I have some very vivid memories of the time. Like remembering that whilst I generally hated sports, I didn't so much mind the bit at the start and the end (I'll say no more ;)). Not only that, I recall trying to perfectly time my arrival at the various classrooms around the school so I could stand behind certain boys in the line before we admitted in to the classroom by the teacher. I didn't want to talk to them - I was too shy and embarrassed for that - but I do remember enjoying standing so close, liking what I could see, noticing their smell and in particular the strange tingling feeling it gave me inside.

But nothing ever happened. It all just stayed bottled up inside. I never opened up. I stayed in hiding.

When I turned 16 life took on a mysterious twist. Mainly this was due to changing schools for my A-Levels which forced me to meet a lot of new people and expanding my friendship groups. It also led me to invest more in friendship group at Explorer Scouts. Without knowing it at the time - a very high proportion of those whom I considered to be my best friends at the time - later also came out as gay. Interesting, eh?!

At the (again, all boys) grammar school, when I joined there where two guys who were definitely sparkling with glitter - yet they were so out and proud they were untouchable by the bullies - and no-one else seemed to care. They were very welcoming and I felt particularly comfortable around them. When I joined the school, I was sat next to another lad in form class who, like me had just joined from another school and we became very good friends. He came out a few years later and not only that, when we met for a reunion drink to reminisce a few years ago, he admitted to having a crush on me at the time! Big love back - if you're reading this, Mr R!

But even still - I was in denial inside. I couldn't be gay. And that was how things would stay until Christmas Day 2008; when everything changed*.
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I'll leave you with two things. To better understand how harmful homophobia can be - watch this. Joe Bell, 2020, with Mark Wahlberg and Reid Miller.

And on a more positive note, if you're struggling - the new single Lewis Capaldi released on Friday called 'Survive' about his recent mental health recovery is truly inspiring.

Just remember this. You are loved, you are worthy of love and better days will come. Please talk to someone. Anyone. 
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    For general LGBT+ help and support please contact these organisations.
    If you're really struggling, please contact these organisations.

And remember, my inbox is always open. x

​* I hadn't made a suicide attempt - it was a relapse of my bipolar disorder that landed me in hospital on this occasion. However, my recovery became a catalyst for discovering who I am and eventually I was able to come out as gay in the months following my discharge from hospital. However, the point is, it could have been. Not feeling able to be yourself and honest with those around you - fearful of rejection and stigma from those you are closest to - is a lonely and frightening place to be. Its a lot to deal with as an 11 year old. I didn't get a whole lot easier for me 14 years later. I have written more about this journey in my Pride blog last year - "Overcoming the double self-stigma of being gay and bipolar".