 Talking, we all do it everyday. Some people will use a thousand words when one will do; others chose their words more carefully. Talk is cheap. Talk is easy. But some topics come more freely than others. When it really counts; when it really matters; talking can seem like the hardest thing to do. But it's these conversations that can reap the most powerful benefits. Talk can, indeed, be your tonic; better than any drug a doctor can prescribe. One of these difficult topics, particularly for men, is to talk about how we're feeling. I know people who will go to great lengths to avoid telling you how they really feel. They'll only give short, sharp, one word answers and show a desire to move the conversation on. Now, I get it. There's often a time and a place for these deeper sorts of conversations. Whenever we phone someone, or meet someone briefly in a corridor, we say 'hi, how are you', but in all honesty, in these situations we're just being civil, we're not really expecting anything more than 'yeah, sure, fine thanks'. But sometimes it's well worth making the time for someone. Here's the problemOften, we don't talk because we don't want to burden someone else with our problems. Similarly if someone knows you're going through tough times they might not open up to you because they don't want to add to your problems - when actually from their perspective they'd be only too pleased to talk to you - to realise they're not alone but also to share their own advice for getting through it. There's also that everyone wants to create an impression of being 'sorted' and having it all together. This then actually makes it much harder if your world starts falling apart. You don't want to admit to others that things aren't what they were but more than that, you don't want to admit it to yourself. I've heard people say 'oh what's the point - talking won't change anything' - but change comes from inside. First you need to understand the complex and powerful emotional thing that's wrapped up inside you and you can only do that by trying to explain it and letting the bad energy out. However, when life is tough and you're going through the wringer, talking can be a powerful tool to change how you feel, to process emotions and to put things in to perspective. And there's so many ways to do it. It doesn't have to be to another person and it doesn't have to done verbally. Let's take an example. I'm the sort of person that ruminates. If you don't know what I mean by that then let me explain. Things happen day to day as they always do and I let certain situations cycle around in my head again and again. If you do this, maybe you also verbalise it - the classic 'talking to yourself' scenario? It steals your peace an enjoyment of life very easily. Ultimately what you're doing is rating point in the past or the future as more important than the present moment and you then live your life stuck there and completely miss your life in the the 'now'. This was particularly bad at one point in my life when I was having a difficult time at work. I don't like confrontation. Yet, I'd often find myself thinking back over a conversation that was had that day and thinking about better responses to the arguments. I'd think 'I should have said this' or 'I should have said that' and I'd keep playing out different versions of the same scene again and again in my head. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, I'd start imagining new situations that could happen and then let my mind run wild cycling through what I would say if they said 'this' or if they said 'that'. I'd do this all evening and sometimes also all weekend. I used to think that by doing this I'd be better prepared and would help me get my work done - but it's simply not true. By experimentation I found that by not thinking about work for a weekend and instead enjoying myself, when I went back to work I'd be recharged and have a fresh perspective - the answers came to me there and then much more quickly. I didn't need to be processing it all weekend. This was something that I found difficult to discuss with anyone, least of all with my partner. I felt embarrassed about what was cycling around in my head as often it seemed silly. Not only that, it all just seemed too difficult to explain the context, even though really it would probably only have taken a few sentences. Talking to my partner was good for putting things in to perspective and it helped me to stop worrying about it. However, my ruminating was happening a lot so I needed to find other ways of dealing with it. 1. Talk to a notepadOne of my coping mechanisms was to start journaling. Very simply, I'd write down the narrative that was cycling around in my head. Once I'd done this, something incredible happened. Once it was down on the page, carefully written out and edited to be 'the best version of the conversation' my brain let me stop thinking about it. My anxiety levels dropped and I was able to return to the present moment again. I was able to enjoy what I was doing now - something that my rumination had stolen from me. And the reason for this was very simple. Once I had got it 'out' and down on a page it was there in front of me. I didn't need to remember it any more - because if I want to go back to it - I could just open the notes and there it was. 2. Talk to a deviceBut sometimes I wasn't in the mood to write or didn't feel like I had the time. Like for example when lying in bed and all I want to do is go to sleep but my brain won't let me - as it's got something spinning around again and again. For this, I started doing short videos in to my phone. I'd pause and think about what it was spinning around in my head and what I'd want to say. Then, I'd give myself no more than 3 minutes to say what was on my mind in to the camera. I'd say it, then watch it back once. It would have the same effect. Now I'd stored this memory on my phone, I no longer needed to store it in my head, and I was able to go to sleep. 3. Talk to a petI've also had friends that say they talk to their pets, and this works for them. I guess doing this feels safe and unintimidating Just like my journal page or video camera - your cat can't answer back, but this does still provide a way for you to process those raw and powerful emotions by verbalising your thoughts and explaining them in a way you think your cat could understand. Where I believe these techniques get their power is being able to say something, in the way you want to say it, without having to worry about somebody else's response. That in itself is quite is liberating. So, the conclusion here is that rationalising with yourself is fine, as long as you're capturing it - in written or video form, or indeed to your cat if she's listening carefully. 4. Find someone you trustI think the difference here is that sometimes when talking to someone else we find ourselves being more guarded. We don't want to say what's really bothering us, at least not at first. As a ruminator, talking to someone else about what's going on in my head creates the Russian Doll of all rumination situations: a conversation in a conversation. I'd have the original issue spinning around in my head, then before talking to someone else I'll start another conversation in my head about what I'd say to them about the first conversation. And that second conversation would also then start spinning around again and again as I work through each and every way that person could respond to what I'm saying and then what I'd say if they said 'this' or said 'that'. Who knew that simply talking to someone could become so difficult? So this is why in so many cases we just don't do it. It's seems so much easier to bottle it up and try and ignore it. But, we can only do this for so long. This illustrates the importance of being a good listener if someone does want to talk you. At first they need to get the 'script' off of their chest. They've been practising what they want to say for hours, so it's important to let that just flow. Be open and nod encouragingly to let them say what they need to say. Only then when it feels like they've said what they had planned should you start responding to shape it in to a two way conversation. 5. Try someone you don't knowTalking to friends or loved ones can be hard, mainly as you feel like you may be judged and you don't want to change the way they perceive you. Instead, it can be easier to speak to someone you don't know and I think that highlights the value of other forums. For example, I go to a local walking group called Walk and Talk for Men. It's a national group that run events all over the country. If you're looking for information specifically about the Surrey group then check out their Instagram page. What I like about this group is there's no pressure to talk about anything 'feelings' or 'mental health' related, but you just know that if you want to have that sort of conversation you can and you won't be judged. After all, everyone is there because they want to do something for the benefit of their mental health. The group changes a bit month on month so there's always the opportunity to meet someone new. Another avenue if you, like me, find talking to someone you don't know a little easier are the many helplines that are available, such as the Samaritans. They can help you by being that good listener, by reframing your thoughts and helping you create some action steps for going forward. I always used to worry that these services were for other people and that I wasn't 'bad enough'. The trouble is, where do you set your threshold between what is just normal day to day stuff and actually accepting that there's something's not right here. And that's a difficult call. But if you've been reading my story about ruminating and it's sounding familiar then you have my permission to give them a call and to be confident you're not wasting their time. 6. Let your fingers do the talkingBut in this modern world, speaking isn't the only way we can chat. Many helpline services instant messaging. Notably 'Shout' is a free, anonymous and confidential texting service. And for some reason, we often find it easier to chat with our fingers in this less formal way. So, if you've go this far - you will have tried writing it down, making a recording in to your phone or speaking to your cat; you may have tried talking to a friend, or texting someone or even with a helpline - and perhaps you're not feeling any better? If you're still stuck in the position when all you can do is anxiously think about the same situations again and again then it's time to pause and take stock. Being like this for any length of time is very bad for your mental health and if left unchecked, it could deteriorate very quickly. Not only is this stealing the current moment from you - whatever you're doing in the now you can't enjoy - but it is also very tiring. It doesn't allow your mind to calm down and switch off. And the brain needs rest. If it's constantly thinking unpleasant thoughts it's not long before you get burnt out and more serious issues can arise. 7. Speak to someone who's paid to listenThe next step may be to reach out for some medical support. But that comes with it's own challenges. If you decide you do want to reach out for some support, even before doing it I've always felt there's an element of feeling like I have to accept the diagnosis before it's been given. The thought process I struggle with is that by going to the doctor, I must by definition be ill. This never seems to be an issue when going to see them about a cold or a sore throat, but for some reason it becomes a barrier if the issue is mental health related. To go to the doctors and say you're struggling with stress, anxiety or depression means you need to first accept that its a problem; and that's a very hard first step. You also need to get over any pre-conceived ideas about the sorts of people that have mental health conditions and what you think they may look like or the way in which they may behave. You must come to understand that what's happening to you happens to a lot of other people too. It's perfectly normal and that if you ask for help you will be listened to and you will be taken seriously. Understanding the need to process what's going onIf there's one thing that you take from this, it is the power of talking to process your emotions. If you can succeed at doing this it will have a big impact on improving your mental health and wellbeing. Men in particular, statistically, find this more difficult but I hope this blog has given you some ideas to help you find a way to 'talk' that feels safe and comfortable for you. It doesn't always have to be to another person and it doesn't have to be using the spoken word so don't let these be barriers from stopping you working through what's going on and accessing any support you need.
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 They say never meet your heroes. I don't believe it. When making a big decision, such as whether to come out to the world with something as deep and personal as a mental health diagnosis, meeting someone who's walked that path, been there, done it and is proud of it makes the decision so much easier. A few weeks ago I was at the launch of the End Stigma Surrey campaign. On running order to speak at the event was Sefik Villasante and I was very excited about the possibility to meet and chat with him. I'd previously read his book, There's No Shame, and had been inspired by is story of recovery and by the way he'd taken the bold move to quit the rat race and devote his life to a mission of improving mental health awareness and helping others as a speaker, facilitator, a writer and coach. On stage, I watched as he described his persona as a 'gameshow host'. He was positive, energetic and confident. It was evident he felt no shame in sharing his story of how he'd survived not one but two suicide attempts. He clearly has a guardian angel. This is what we need more of, to break the stigma and get people talking. Yes, the issues are serious, but it's not all doom and gloom and we must always focus on the brighter side. Getting through it, recovery and living better lives. And just as my mental health episodes had been a catalyst for change in my life, it became clear that the same was true for Sefik. Upon meeting him I was struck by his warmth and empathy and that even though we'd only just met we found a huge amount in common in a very short conversation. I opened up to Sefik about my desire to get my story out there and I shared my fears with him. His response was powerful and inspiring. The only thing that will ever hold you back, Chris, will be you. don't ever put any obstacles in your way as because you're putting down limitations on yourself. These words had a profound impact on me. And it's true: having to keep my condition a secret is preventing me from showing up as my true authentic self in everyday life. At home, with my friends and with my colleagues. Far from this secret protecting me, I feel it's actually strangling me and holding me back from being everything I can be. This website is the product of that conversation.
Of course, there will be people who say this is the wrong decision I'm sure, as will there be people who'll be only too quick to apply some derogatory ill informed label, but as Sefik says, I need to stop caring about them. I need instead to focus on the people who will respect my story, be able to learn from it and find strength for their own lives. These people, to me, have to be more important than any one else. If Stephen Fry can do it, Robbie Williams can do it, George Ezra can do it. If Roman Kemp can do it, Dr Alex George can do it, Josh Cuthbert can do it. Then I can do it. At last, this is my story, in my own words, in the way that I want to tell it.  A few weeks ago I was delighted to have been asked to give a talk at the official launch of the End Stigma Surrey campaign in the Horton Arts Centre near Epsom. It was a perfect venue such an event as the Horton used to be the Chapel supporting the residents of the extensive mental health hospitals in the area that have subsequently closed and been redeveloped in to 'exclusive' apartments and houses. Importantly for me, this was the first time that I'd opened up publicly about my condition. Prior to that, I'd only been open in small groups - small groups where everyone in that group has the same or similar credentials. However, even in a room of 80 or so people, it still felt like a safe space and that the audience were rooting for me and not judging me. My opening line was: Hello, my name is Chris Pratt, and I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I owned the statement. It felt good to be able to say it without feeling like the audience would think less of me. But this shouldn't just be the case in a room of individuals from, or with an interest in, the mental health sector who understand what this means; it should be acceptable in daily life in just the same way as someone getting up and saying: My name is Chris, and I broke my leg on my skiing holiday. No-one would think any less of me for that, or think that I wouldn't be able to do certain things again once my leg has healed. It should be the same with mental health. I was notably careful of the wording. I said 'have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder' rather than 'have bipolar disorder'. That's because bipolar disorder is just part of who I am. It does not define me. It does not limit me. In my talk I spoke about the great improvements that have been made in recent years to promote good mental health and wellbeing in the workplace. I was able to give an example of a company where new policies have been put in place, initiatives such as Mental Health First Aiders had become established, how Wellbeing Hubs have popped up and Employee Assistance Programmes (EAPs) - which feature free counselling and access to GP services are available. Not only this, it's a workplace where mental health topics have crept in to the office vernacular. Mental Health days are being marked in the office with free cakes on 'time to talk day'; the Action for Happiness calendar is being sent round on a monthly basis; and mental health topics have become acceptable as 'Safety Moments' at the start of meetings. A 'Safety Moment' for those not familiar with the term is traditionally a brief reflection at the start of a meeting to make note of something we can all do to help maintain the safety of ourselves or others in the office and on the Company's clients' sites. Here, it had become acceptable for this to now include topics relating to wellbeing and mental health. This is incredible progress - but it hadn't happened purely out of kindness; lost work days to poor mental health hit the bottom line. But more than this, getting mental health support right is not only important for profits, it matters to get the best from your workforce; it'll reduce sick days and improve retention of your best staff who may be silently facing burn-out and considering other options. You may be thinking there's no more to do. Put your soap box and your loud hailer away. However, being able to 'talk-the-talk' is one thing. Taking the right approach with individuals who have succumbed to some form of mental ill-health is more difficult. It's more difficult because despite having all the right foundations laid, the right messaging in place and the right support from central HR functions - what matters on a day to day basis are the attitudes and beliefs of your individual managers. In my talk I went on to describe how this was where things became unstuck. After my bipolar episode in 2020 I returned to work well and ready to pick up from where I left off. However, unfortunately no sooner had I returned, then there was a reorganisation which removed me from my previous position. I was left demoted and left me working under someone without experience or relevant skills for the role. At the time I remember it having a desperate impact on my wellbeing. I became angry and resentful. It left me feeling weak and incapable and like I was some sort of embarrassment and couldn't be trusted. Not good, at a time when I was still a bit sensitive and trying to rebuild my confidence. It may have been that this manager thought they were protecting me. Quite reasonably they didn't want me to fall ill again. But what they did had the opposite effect. The most difficult bit for me was that it came to me as a 'decision from on high'. There wasn't any discussion about it or consideration of other support options. It was like they were frightened to talk about the topic: "sssh, don't mention mental illness". All that was needed was a simple conversation in a similar way to someone returning to work after a physical illness, such as to:
I still don't know why this didn't happen. It seemed like such a simple and obvious thing to do. It was all that was needed in order to co-create an effective and tailored plan for my return to work would have benefitted both me and the organisation. I think it was simply a lack of insight and understanding by the manager of mental health issues and how they affect people. That they simply hadn't taken the time to get 'on-board' with the broader and much more enlightened attitudes towards mental health and wellbeing that had been adopted in recent years by the company. On the whole, the company had been good to me in providing support for my wellbeing and mental health over the years, so I don't want to be overly critical. They had done a lot right and I'd benefitted from their new policies and a broad range of individual support options available. However, a year after my return to work didn't get my former role back and I concluded it was time for me to move on. It was such a shame, because despite incredible progress in terms of mental health support it was the attitudes and beliefs of just one individual that showed there's still a long way to go. Until we can change the hearts and minds of these individuals and talk about a mental health conditions in the same frank and non-biased way that we approach physical conditions we must continue to fight against stigma and campaign to improve knowledge about mental health. Importantly, we must demonstrate how capable and strong those who have experienced mental ill-health really are. A point which was proven a few weeks ago when a different manager from the company reached out to me wanting to encourage me back. Turned out he, and my previous client had missed me and still had a big gap to fill with some projects that now needed turning around. The advice I gave to conclude my talk was simple and easy to remember: Next time you're welcoming someone back to work, whether it's after physical illness or mental illness - just ask "what can I do to help?". The talk seemed to be well received and I was delighted to catch up with delegates at the end of of the event who were not only interested in my story but offered up platforms for me to continue to share the story and it's lessons more widely. This included with the SABP's Recovery College and Surrey County Council. I also had a lovely chat with Mandi who really helped to convince me that my story is worth sharing. It was so really lovely to meet you and hear your story yesterday - massive well done to you - you smashed it!! Well done for ‘speaking up and speaking out’ I feel it’s so important to do this as ‘peer to peer’ can really help people too, as it’s a share of knowledge, energy and I feel helps people accept and understand, themselves and to support others. I admire you for being brave it’s not always easy but you have done the hardest bit and that’s to start. Keep being inspirational and the truly authentic lovely person you are. A few days later I received a note from Connie at the Mary Frances Trust. It was a great boost to my confidence and made my day. Just wanted to say how proud I am that you took centre stage at the End Stigma Surrey relaunch and spoke about your journey. I know that you didn’t find it easy to do it in the open so very well done! I hope you enjoyed it and it made you want to do it more 😉 I think you are a natural communicator! Thanks Connie :).
 And why becoming and living as your authentic self isn't easy.When I came out the other side of my most recent bipolar episode two and a half years ago, I was determined for some good to come of it. I wanted to help others. Help others avoid what I'd gone through; help others get through it; demonstrate that recovery and a normal life is not only possible but should be expected. I wasn't sure in what form this help would take. Whether I would change my career direction and look to take a role directly supporting those experiencing mental health difficulties one-to-one or whether I could do something alongside my current work. As mentioned in my first post, writing about my experience in the form of personal journals has become part of my life over the last few years. Initially I was doing this for it's cathartic benefits. Then, more recently I've started to write articles to share my experiences in the form of guest blogs for other sites. But, I haven't published them directly, or in a way that is attributed back to me. I've come to realise that sharing my story could be hugely powerful. To help those currently in the grips of a condition but also to raise awareness - particularly of mental health difficulties among men. There just aren't many guys talking about this stuff. By being open myself it may encourage others to speak up if they're struggling - to a mate, family member or reach out to a helpline or healthcare practitioner. By not coming forward and sharing my story I'm indefinitely failing to fulfil the promise I made to myself to find a way to help others. So, now two and a half years on from my last episode and 20 years since my original diagnosis, why haven't I put myself out there? Put simply, I've just been too scared to share. And it comes down to good old fashioned mental health stigma. My concern, deep down, is that if I come forward and make it known that I'm someone that has experienced serious mental health difficulties in the past that people might think differently of me and treat me differently. My biggest concern has always been that opportunities I might otherwise be offered may no longer be forthcoming. That if I look to change jobs and a potential employer searches for me online and finds out my history, that I could be discounted from the role without further consideration. All just because I've a mental health diagnosis - even though I'm fully recovered and it doesn't affect my professional abilities. And I don't think these are completely unfounded fears. Connie, who has been hugely encouraging to me on this journey kindly added some balance about the impact being open could have. It is true that if you fully embrace it, some people will judge you or look at you differently even if you demystify what bipolar means. That’s because some people are prejudiced and won’t change. Or will see you as a potential threat to their belief system or their peace and won’t want to get involved. And sometimes these people are really close to you and that hurts big time. It’s their choice though and that shouldn’t frame your interaction with the world and your own sense of identity – I think they are missing an opportunity to free themselves from prejudice. It might even impact who hires you in the future. So there are definitely reasons to hold back. But people who have made the choice to be fully open about their mental health have accepted this risk, they consider that people who would use this against them to not be friends with them, not enter a relationship with them or not hire them are simply people they don’t wish to have in their lives (or if they are already in their lives they distance themselves from their judgement). Unsurprisingly, I'm not the first person to have these worries before opening up publicly about such a sensitive issue. Louise Gillet describes the feeling concisely when she opens in her book 'Surviving Schizophrenia: A Memoir' with: I am a middle-class mother of four children. I look and behave as you might expect a person of my age and stage of life to look and behave. This statement resonates so much with me and it encapsulates exactly how I've been feeling in recent weeks about going public with this site. I too, have toyed with the idea of publishing it under a pseudonym, but just like Louise I feel strongly that it's my story and for me to tell it authentically I must do it as myself. Whilst these concerns may have been true 20 years ago I believe that good mental health is no longer seen as an issue for a minority group but has become far more mainstream in recent years. The importance of workplaces being supportive environments for good mental health has just been illustrated by The Surgeon General in the US which has recently released a report discussing how “Our workplaces play a significant role in our lives”. It includes these three interesting data points:
The report continues with: The pandemic has presented us with an opportunity to rethink how we work. We have the power to make workplaces engines for mental health and well-being. Doing so will require organizations to rethink how they protect workers from harm, foster a sense of connection among workers, show them that they matter, make space for their lives outside work, and support their long-term professional growth. This may not be easy. But it will be worth it, because the benefits will accrue to both workers and organizations. A healthy workforce is the foundation for thriving organizations and a healthy community I hope, therefore, that my fears turn out to be false. The irony for me is that since July 2021 I've been part of the 'End Stigma Surrey' mental health campaign as a Lived Experience Champion. Yes, I want to end stigma that's associated with mental health, but it seems the first person I need to convince, and teach to live and breathe that motto, is me! My internalised stigma is what's holding me back - and, just like all stigma - it's based on ignorance and fear rather than fact. I've no idea whether my fears of being open about my mental health will negatively affect how others perceive me, or whether it would affect opportunities available to me in the future. It's pure conjecture that exists only in my head. In actual fact, it's quite possible that the opposite could be true. That by being open about my mental health it shows that I have insight and knowledge about my condition, that I'm able to manage and control it and that I've developed great strength to be able to talk about something very personal with confidence and face my fears. Further, by opening up publicly about my condition, opportunities may be created. It may encourage other people to reach out - others that may also be campaigning around mental health, others who may be on a recovery journey, or who may be specifically looking for someone with the qualities and values that I now live by and am starting to share. The following diagram by Jeremy Finch succinctly sums up the problem of being to scared too share and how it is a detriment to society. It shows how there is a large pool of people who have inspirational stories in all aspects of life but sadly don't have the confidence to come forward. For too long I've been sitting in that group.  Too scared to share. By Jeremy Finch. The diagram is showing that almost 100% of the people who want to be heard are pulling that off. Some of those are annoying and saying the wrong things, sure. But the way to deal with that is not to get angry but to enter the area. It's time to turn envy, disappointment, and sometimes outrage into better work.
So, the time has come to honour the promise I made to myself back in July 2020. I must overcome my self-stigma, open up to the opportunities that may arise by telling my story and ultimately to make sure some good comes from the rollercoaster journey that has been 20 years of Bipolar Disorder. And as we enter 'Movember', the annual moustache themed campaign to get men talking and address some of the major reasons men are dying too young - and to coincide with the Mary Frances Trust's 'Men's Wellbeing Matters' campaign - now seems like the perfect time. |
AuthorChris Pratt has been keeping a secret for half his life.
Now, for the first time he's breaking cover to talk publicly about his diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and to share insights in to how he has learned to manage the condition and live a fulfilling life.
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